Thursday, December 16, 2010

Moving Forward... Inching Forward is more like it

I have been doing a lot of thinking... sometimes too much (ALL THE TIME).  It seems as though my brain doesn't know how to shut off, ever.  I will start with my own personal thoughts about me.
 I am in a place in my life where I am not quite sure if I am doing what I want to be doing.  I work full time in a preschool teaching 4 & 5 year olds... and I do love my job.  YET, I am also a mother to 3 children, 2 years, 5 years and almost 11 years old.  I made a commitment to start school (extremely part time) to get my associates degree in Early Childhood Education... and I start next month.  Kinda freaking out about that one.  Sooooo... my mind is reeling with "is this the right time?" , "should I work still or stay home with the kids, after all they are only little once", "open my own daycare?" , "Photography?" (yea, total opposite side of the spectrum... but I am freak for taking pics).  I have prayed for God to give me a sign about what I should do, and if I am going in the right direction.  Thus far, I have not had a door slammed in my face.  So, I will be starting 2 classes next month, continuing my job at the preschool, and of course being mommy to my wonderful kids.  Believe me, these are not my only responsibilities, just the ones that require daily action!
I have faith that God is lighting my path.  Please pray that I can handle all the above!

Another thing that has me thinking... my family.  I have said in a previous post how large my family is, 5 brothers and 3 sisters (and 14 nieces and nephews).  We have always been close, always there for each other.  We have really been through a lot, and it is beyond wonderful to have such a support group!  I don't know what I would ever do without them.  This brings me to my... well we can call it a worry because that is what it is plain and simple.  I am completely, utterly worried about my family.  I am worried that they won't come to Christ before it is too late.  There, I said it.  I know that some of my family reads this blog, and I want them to know this, too.  Saying that you are Christian and that you believe in God is not enough.  I hope and pray that who I am today is enough!  I know that I have many faults and sins, so in no way am I saying that I am better than anyone... please do not think that I feel that way at all.  I am simply saying that I know what it feels like to actually let Christ into your life.  It is the most relieving... eye opening feeling (so much so that I am really having a hard time coming up with a word to explain it).  I truly felt like a different person.  I don't want to do a lot of the things I once did, although I still (like I said) have my faults.  This is something that I think about all the time... how can I get away from these things that I ask for forgiveness for??? How many times can I do that?! 
I am trying so hard to show my family how better life can be when you are "WALKING IN THE LIGHT".  I don't want to push anything on anyone... I know how unattractive that can be because I was on the other side of that at one point... now I see why the other person (my loving older brother) was saying those things to me.  I just didn't want to hear it, I wasn't ready. 
THAT IS MY FEAR, Lord please take this fear from me and guide me to my answers!

There are days where I feel so confident, like I can take this world on.  Then there are days (kinda like today) that I feel I am a lost lonely soul.... and I cant do anything to change any one's ways, even my own.
 I am thankful for the eyes that God has given me... even when it hurts to see with them. 

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